Understanding Avoidant Behaviour and What Lies Beneath It
We often hear the term “avoidant” tossed around—especially in the context of relationships. But what does it actually mean to be avoidant? And how can you tell the difference between someone who is struggling to connect and someone who is simply emotionally unavailable—or even narcissistic?
Let’s unpack it.
What Is an Avoidant?
Being avoidant typically refers to someone who falls under the umbrella of an avoidant attachment style, one of the four main attachment styles in psychology. It usually develops early in life, often as a result of emotionally distant, inconsistent, or dismissive caregiving.
People with this attachment style often struggle with emotional closeness. Vulnerability can feel unsafe. They may avoid deep conversations, appear emotionally distant, and pull away when relationships begin to feel intense or overwhelming.
In more clinical terms, avoidance can sometimes overlap with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), which is much rarer and more severe. However, when most people refer to themselves—or someone else—as “avoidant,” they’re usually talking about an attachment style, not a personality disorder.
What Causes Someone to Be This Way?
Avoidant behaviour is often a learned coping mechanism rooted in childhood experiences. If a child grows up in an environment where emotional needs were dismissed, mocked, or met with inconsistency, they may learn that self-reliance is the safest option.
As adults, this pattern can continue:
- Intimacy feels threatening
- Depending on others feels dangerous
- Vulnerability feels like weakness
So, they retreat—emotionally and sometimes physically—when things get too close or too intense.
What Can Help Avoidants?
Healing from an avoidant attachment style is not a quick fix, but it is absolutely possible. Some helpful steps include:
- Therapy, especially trauma-informed or attachment-based approaches
- Safe, consistent relationships where vulnerability is met with care
- Self-awareness, including identifying emotional triggers
- Journaling and reflective practices
- Gentle challenges, like opening up in small, manageable ways
This isn’t about “fixing” yourself—it’s about slowly unlearning patterns that once felt necessary for survival.
How Is This Different from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
It’s a common and important question.
While both avoidants and narcissists can appear emotionally unavailable, their internal drivers are different:
- Avoidants fear emotional closeness. They withdraw to protect themselves from pain or rejection.
- Narcissists, especially those with NPD, may withdraw or lash out to maintain a sense of superiority, control, or validation. There may also be a lack of empathy present.
Put simply:
→ Avoidants fear getting too close.
→ Narcissists fear feeling too small.
What Do Avoidants Wish Others Knew?
— “I’m not cold. I’m scared.”
— “I want closeness, but I don’t always know how to handle it.”
— “Please don’t take my need for space personally.”
— “I’m trying to unlearn what I thought love looked like.”
— “Be patient. I’m working on it.”
Avoidants are not broken. They’re doing their best to protect themselves in the way they’ve learned to survive. With compassion, support, and the right tools, trust can be rebuilt—and emotional safety can be learned.
Resources Worth Exploring
If you’ve been thinking about your attachment style and want to dig a little deeper, here are some valuable resources to check out:
- Which Attachment Style Are You? – Curious about where you fit in? This article introduces five free, trusted tests to help you discover your attachment style and better understand your relationship patterns.
- Dr. Diane Poole Heller – A leading expert in trauma and attachment theory, Dr. Heller offers online courses, resources, and free tools to support healing from attachment wounds.
- The Attachment Project – Dive into a comprehensive quiz and get a personalised report to help identify and heal your attachment style. Their articles and tools are well-researched and user-friendly.
Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional.
