Sometimes I just want to crawl into a social distancing bunker and come out when everyone’s figured out how to validate each other’s feelings.
Maybe your boss made a joke that felt more like a jab, or your partner dismissed your anxiety about an upcoming presentation with a casual, “Don’t sweat it.” Whatever the situation, someone just minimized your feelings with a classic, “It’s not a big deal,” and now you want to scream.
It’s really not about overreacting when you actually feel like someone poured petrol on that flicker of frustration in your chest and lit a match.
I remember walking into my therapist’s office and telling her I was quitting my job. I could barely stand to walk in the door anymore. Every day felt like a passive-aggressive environment, filled with dismissive comments. My manager, let’s call him Steve, was really condescending. Our team presented an idea to him, which he laughed about and said, “That won’t work”.
It wasn’t the laugh itself, it was the way it made me feel – like our ideas, and hard work didn’t matter.
Our feelings absolutely matter.
This experience, like many others, made me realise the damaging effects of emotional invalidation.
Emotional invalidation can chip away at our self-esteem over time. It can make it difficult to trust our own judgment and express emotions healthily.
According to experts, this can stem from our childhood.
There may have been a time when we excitedly shared a dream or a fear with someone, only to be met with a dismissive, “That’s silly” or a discouraging, “Don’t worry about it.”
Over time, these messages can build up, leaving us feeling like our emotions aren’t important.
But why do people invalidate our feelings in the first place? Here’s what experts say:
- Discomfort with strong emotions: Strong emotions can be uncomfortable. Some people simply don’t know how to handle intense feelings, in themselves or others, so they shut down to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
- Learned behaviour: Maybe the person invalidating you grew up in a household where emotions weren’t acknowledged. Now, they unconsciously repeat the pattern, leaving you feeling unheard and unseen.
- Fear of vulnerability: Opening up emotionally can feel scary. They might be afraid of getting hurt or of their own buried feelings surfacing.
The reasons don’t excuse the hurt, though. Our feelings, from our anxieties to our fears all deserve acknowledgement. Imagine telling your best friend their heartbreak is “no big deal” – unthinkable, right? So why do we tolerate it from others?
Emotional invalidation can happen in many ways, not just with dismissive comments. Here are a few examples:
- Minimizing: “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
- Trivializing: “It’s not that serious, come on.”
- Changing the subject: “Let’s not focus on the negative.”
- Guilt-tripping: “You’re just being difficult.”
- Labelling: “You’re always so dramatic.”
- Comparing: “At least you have it better than…”
By recognising these tactics, we can better understand when our feelings are being invalidated.
Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional.
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