Have you ever tried to comfort a friend or partner who’s upset, only to have your attempts backfire? Maybe you offered solutions, minimized their feelings, or found yourself getting defensive.
Here’s the thing: sometimes the most powerful support you can offer is validation – acknowledging their emotions without judgment. But what if you don’t actually agree with them?
1. Validation Doesn’t Mean Agreement
First things first, you don’t have to agree with someone to validate their feelings. Imagine your friend is upset about a disagreement at work. You might think they’re overreacting, but that doesn’t matter.
What matters is that they’re feeling something strongly. Focus on their emotions, not the situation. Say something like, “I can see why that would be frustrating.”
2. Avoid Defensiveness and Unsolicited Advice
If someone’s upset with you, it’s natural to want to defend yourself or offer solutions. Resist the urge. Instead, listen and take responsibility where it’s due.
For example, if a partner is upset that you forgot a special date, acknowledge their feelings without jumping into an explanation or defence. “I’m really sorry I forgot. I can see that it hurt you.”
3. Really Listen to Understand
We often listen to respond, not to understand. Try to flip this around. Ask open-ended questions and show genuine interest in their feelings.
This might mean putting your phone away and really focusing on what they’re saying. The deeper your understanding, the more meaningful your validation will be.
4. Reflect Their Feelings
Sometimes, just acknowledging what someone is feeling can make all the difference. Use simple phrases like, “You seem really upset” or “That sounds really tough.” This shows you’re paying attention and that you care about what they’re going through.
5. Summarise What You’ve Heard
To show that you’ve really been listening, summarise what they’ve told you. This not only proves that you were paying attention but also helps clarify their emotions.
For example, “So, you’re upset because I was late and it felt like I didn’t respect your time. Is that right?” This kind of reflection can help the other person feel truly heard.
Each time you truly listen and validate someone’s feelings, even if you disagree, you’re laying a brick. Over time, those bricks build a strong foundation of trust and understanding that can weather any storm. So next time someone opens up to you, take a deep breath, put away your phone, and try these tips. You might be surprised at how much it strengthens your connection and makes you both feel closer.
Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional
.
What to Do (and Not Say) to Someone Who’s Feeling Down
