When I started feeling unsure about my relationship, my first thought was that the issue lay with us as a couple. But as I took a closer look, I realised it wasn’t him—I was the one I needed to understand better. If you’re going through something similar, here are five questions I asked myself that led to some major realisations.
1. Am I Happy and Fulfilled in This Relationship?
It was a strange question to ask because I felt happy, but not the carefree happiness I had expected. I found myself wondering, Why does this feel so weird? My partner treated me well—really well—and I wasn’t used to that. The unconditional support, the love, and the way he made sure I felt valued felt right, but it also felt unsettling. This question helped me understand that while I was happy, I had doubts about my ability to fully accept that happiness.
2. Do I Feel Safe, Valued, and Respected?
When you’ve been in relationships where trust was broken and respect meant little, being treated well can be hard to process. For the first time, I felt safe and respected, but that sense of security was unfamiliar. I wasn’t sure how to respond to it. I realised I was holding on to past experiences, preventing myself from fully enjoying the present and this beautiful relationship.
3. Are We Aligned in Values and Long-Term Goals?
We were, and that should have been enough. He was clear about what he wanted, and it matched my vision for the future. But deep down, I found myself questioning whether it was realistic. It wasn’t about our compatibility; it was about my fear that something good would eventually fall apart. I had been burned before, and the idea that it could happen again haunted me.
4. Do We Communicate Effectively and Resolve Conflicts Constructively?
We did. We communicated openly, resolved arguments without dragging out past hurts, and truly listened to each other. But I didn’t always know how to handle it. I’d push him away because I couldn’t believe a relationship could be this easy. When he’d say, “I’m not going anywhere,” my first reaction was frustration—not because he was lying or being overbearing, but because I couldn’t believe him. And that was entirely on me.
5. Am I Staying Out of Love or Fear?
This was the question that really hit home. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became: I was staying because I loved him, but I was also terrified. Terrified of opening up fully, of trusting him, and of letting myself be loved without conditions. Love is meant to feel safe and secure, but for me, it felt like I was barely holding on. My past experiences made me wary of trusting that something good could last.
What I Realised
As much as I wanted to point the finger at the relationship, I realised the real problem was me. His love was everything I had wanted but had never known how to accept. It made me confront the parts of myself I had buried under years of doubt and mistrust.
It wasn’t about whether he was the right person—it was about whether I could be the right partner for myself. I learned that letting myself be loved was one of the hardest things I had to do. It was a process, one that took time and a lot of self-reflection, but it was worth it.
If you’re questioning your relationship, it’s okay to ask these tough questions. Sometimes, the answers are less about the relationship and more about what’s going on within you. It’s a difficult process, but it’s one that can help you understand not just your partner, but yourself.
Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional.
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