We naturally seek comfort and vulnerability in romantic relationships. But what happens when the person you love becomes the source of your deepest hurt? Narcissistic abuse can be a confusing and emotionally draining experience, leaving victims questioning their own sanity and struggling to rebuild their lives.
1. What is a Narcissist?
Have you ever met someone who seems to have an inflated sense of their own importance? Someone who craves admiration and has a difficult time understanding or caring about the feelings of others?
That’s a narcissist in a nutshell.
While narcissism exists on a spectrum, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) exhibit a pattern of these behaviours.
2. The Allure of the Narcissist
Imagine someone who seems like a dream come true. They’re charming, complimentary, and shower you with affection, making you feel like the center of the universe. This intense “love bombing” at the beginning of the relationship creates a powerful emotional bond. But this initial phase is often short-lived.
3. The Shift in Power
As the relationship progresses, the narcissist’s true colours may start to show. They might become possessive and controlling, demanding constant attention and expecting their partner to fulfill their every need. Privacy violations, like having their fingerprint on your phone, become “normal.” Subtle put-downs and criticisms chip away at a partner’s self-esteem, comments like, “Wow, your life before me wasn’t that exciting, was it?” can leave them feeling inadequate and questioning their own sense of worth.
4. Living with Gaslighting
Narcissists are often master manipulators. They excel at “gaslighting,” a tactic that makes their partner doubt their own reality. This can involve twisting situations, denying past events, or outright lying to gain control of the narrative.
In extreme cases, this gaslighting can take shocking forms. For example, someone might say they’re a survivor of a car accident, when in fact they weren’t, simply to elicit sympathy and control. This highlights the lengths some narcissists can go to in order to manipulate their victims’ emotions.
5. The Devastating Impact
Narcissistic abuse can have a profound impact on a victim’s mental and emotional well-being. Victims may experience anxiety, depression, and even PTSD. They might struggle with self-doubt, co-dependency, and difficulty trusting others.
6. Healing is Possible
Leaving a narcissistic relationship can be incredibly difficult, but it’s the first step towards healing. Here are some tips for survivors:
- Trust Your Gut: Don’t dismiss red flags, unease, or the feeling of being controlled.
- Educate Yourself: Learn about narcissistic abuse and the tactics they use.
- Seek Support: Talk to a therapist specialising in narcissistic abuse.
- Focus on Self-Care: Do things that make you feel good and rebuild your self-esteem.
- Rebuild Healthy Relationships: Reconnect with supportive friends and family.
Are You Concerned About Someone?
If you suspect a loved one is in a narcissistic relationship, it can be difficult to know how to help. Here are some tips on how to be a supportive friend:
Warning signs to look for:
- Changes in behaviour: Is your family member/friend becoming increasingly withdrawn, isolated, or anxious?
- Constant negativity: Do they seem to always be putting themselves down or complaining about their partner?
- Walking on eggshells: Do they seem afraid of their partner’s reactions or constantly trying to avoid conflict?
- Loss of interest in hobbies: Have they stopped participating in activities they used to enjoy?
- Financial dependence: Are they financially controlled by their partner?
- Excuses for bad behaviour: Do they constantly make excuses for their partner’s hurtful actions?
How to support them:
Seeing someone you love and care about in such circumstances can be heartbreaking and frustrating. You want to swoop in, rescue them, and shout, “Run!”. But the reality of supporting someone in this situation requires a more delicate approach.
1. Offer support, not ultimatums
Let them know you care and are there to listen without judgment. Don’t pressure them to leave the relationship, but let them know you’re there for them if they decide to.
2. Validate their feelings
Believe them when they tell you about their experiences. Don’t dismiss their concerns or minimise the abuse.
3. Share Resources
Provide information about narcissistic abuse without forcing them to leave the relationship. You could share articles, websites, or hotlines specifically focused on supporting those in narcissistic relationships.
4. Respect their boundaries:
Ultimately, the decision to leave is theirs. Be patient and understanding as they navigate this difficult situation.
5. Take care of yourself
Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be emotionally draining. Make sure to prioritise your own well-being and set boundaries.
Additional Resources:
- Courage to Change (NASG): A South African Non-Profit Organisation (NPO) specifically focusing on narcissistic abuse support.
- The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG): They offer a 24/7 helpline at 0800 567 567.
- MentalHealth.gov – Narcissistic Personality Disorder: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/
Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional
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