Mental Matters

Real Talk

Dear Future Me

Community, Real Talk /

“Healing begins when we learn to love ourselves.” Dear Future Me, Are you happy?I hope you are. Right now, I feel lost,Trapped behind these walls,But they’re the only thing I knowTo protect myself from it all. I keep everyone out,Because it feels safer that way.I don’t trust love,I don’t trust people.How could I?After all I’ve been through—An absent father,A mother who couldn’t raise me,And abuse that broke meLong before I knew how to fix myself. I’m scared of letting anyone in.I don’t know how to loveWithout fearing the pain,And I keep choosing the wrong peopleLike I’m stuck in this cycle,Every time I try to trust,It backfires. But I hope,Someday, you’ve figured this out.I hope you found love,Not just with someone else,But with yourself.Because right now,I don’t see my worth.I’m just trying to survive. Do the walls ever come down?Do you ever feel free? I’m holding onto hopeThat you’ve made it to a better place.I need to believe that all this struggleIs leading somewhere good.That one day,I won’t be so scared,And I’ll find my worthOutside of what’s been done to me. Please tell me that it’s true. Love,Me. Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. First Psychology Glasgow – Hope Street Hope Fertility & Endometriosis Clinic Sandton Hope Again Wellness Centre Potchefstroom The Hope Counselling Worcester Hope Therapy & Counselling Services Bath

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I’m Not Just a Victim of My Past

Community, Family /

This story was shared by a member of our community and has been edited for clarity and to protect privacy. Growing up in the 1960s, *Melinda (name changed to protect privacy) came from a strict upbringing. Her father was often away due to work. And her mother had to look after five children, as well as her nieces and nephews. It created a chaotic household where they constantly divided their attention and spread their resources thin. There was constant conflict between the kids. Not because of resentment toward their cousins, but because there was always a sense of missing out. Their mother would remind them that money had to be saved for everyone, so sometimes they couldn’t get what they wanted. Christmases were especially hard—sometimes they would have to share gifts, and on particularly lean years, they wouldn’t receive any presents at all. Her father was a cold man, always focused on practicalities. “I put food on the table and a roof over your head“, was something he often said. While it was his way of showing care, it never quite felt like enough. But even with his stern attitude, he had his soft moments too, though they were rare and often overshadowed by the strain of providing for so many. Her mother, on the other hand, worked tirelessly to maintain a sense of normalcy. Her mother made sure meals were on the table by 6 p.m., ironed and neatly laid out her father’s clothes, and packed his food with care. But no matter how much effort her mother put in, the feeling of scarcity—whether material or emotional—was ever-present. When Melinda turned 20, she moved away from home and got married, hoping for a fresh start. But her husband’s family didn’t like her from the start. They had wanted him to marry someone from their church. A woman they thought was more appropriate. Their disapproval was palpable, and it only added to the doubts she already had about herself. Throughout her life, Melinda had always felt conflicted—wondering if she was doing enough or being enough, whether at work or in relationships. The way her husband’s family treated her only reinforced the idea that she didn’t measure up. She tried her best to prove herself to them, but no matter what she did, it was never good enough. Her marriage lasted just six months. It took marrying him, and enduring the pressure from his family, for her to realise that she had made a mistake. She didn’t feel like she was enough for him, or for them, and it only confirmed the doubts she had carried since childhood. Her father’s voice often echoed in her mind: “Just be happy with what you have.” But this sentiment never quite sat right with her. To her, it always felt like a subtle way of saying, “Don’t expect more. Don’t dream bigger.” The truth was, she wanted more. She wanted more fulfilment, more love, more recognition. But for years, she held back, weighed down by the belief that asking for more meant she was being ungrateful. It wasn’t until much later in life that she began to let go of that mindset. She realised that being happy with what you have doesn’t mean settling for less than you deserve. It means finding contentment within yourself, no matter how your past tried to limit you. She no longer blames herself for her short marriage or for not fitting into her husband’s family’s ideal. She has stopped trying to earn her worth in the eyes of others and made the conscious choice to stop being a volunteer victim to her circumstances. Melinda has taken control, rejecting the voices that once told her she wasn’t enough. Now, she actively learns to value herself more, instead of trying to prove herself to others. Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Melinda Howlett Psychologist Westville Melinda du Plooy Counsellor Elardus Park MELINDA FOUCHÉ Psychiatrist Gardens Melinda du Plooy Counselling Services Doringkloof Chris Glover Clinical Psychologist Sandton

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When You’re Stuck in the Middle of Family Drama and Can’t Handle It Anymore

1 Comment / Community, Family, Guilt /

This story was shared by a member of our community and has been edited for clarity and to protect privacy. It all started innocently enough. My sister-in-law would call me up, complaining about how annoying my brother was. At first, I didn’t think much of it—it’s normal for couples to have their ups and downs. But as time went on, I realised these calls weren’t occasional. They were frequent. Very frequent. The conversation would usually go something like this:Her: “He’s so annoying.”Me: “What’s he doing that’s annoying?”Her: “Everything!” It was always “everything.” She never got specific, which left me with nothing to really go on. The more she called, the more I found myself in the uncomfortable role of being a go-between for them. My brother has a demanding job, and I know he works hard. But his wife feels undervalued. She doesn’t think he’s doing enough at home or that he’s paying attention to her needs. I completely understand her frustrations, but I hate that I’ve become the middleman. I’m now in the position of hearing both sides, trying to make sense of the situation, when really, this isn’t my battle to fight. The hardest part is, I care deeply about both of them. I love my brother, and I have a lot of respect for his wife. I hate seeing them struggle, and I’d hate even more to see their relationship fall apart. There’s a part of me that wants to help, to fix things. But the truth is, I’ve reached a point where I can’t do it anymore. I need to step back and tell them, “This is something for you two to figure out.” But at the same time, I feel terrible. What if they think I’m abandoning them? What if stepping back makes things worse? I realise now that staying in the middle isn’t healthy—for them or for me. As much as I care, I’ve got to put up some boundaries for the sake of my own wellbeing. They need to work through their issues without me playing mediator. But still, I feel guilty, and I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Being caught in the middle of two people you love can feel like an impossible situation, but it’s okay to step back and set boundaries. Ultimately, their relationship is for them to figure out, and the best support you can offer might just be encouraging them to work through things together. If you have a story to share, we’d love to hear from you. Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Sally Anderson Psychotherapist & Drama Therapist London Emma Hutton Drama Therapist Randburg How to Handle a Panic Attack: What Helps and What Doesn’t 4 Brothers Drug Recovery Centre Rehabilitation center Gonubie How to Handle Being Stuck in the Middle Without Losing Your Mind

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I’m Trying to Work on My Ghosting Habit

Real Talk, Relationships, Resources /

I once asked a friend why he ghosted me, and his answer was simply, “I don’t know.” That was it. No elaborate reason—just an honest, “I don’t know.” It made me stop and reflect because I’ve ghosted more people than I’d like to admit. And most of the time, I didn’t know why either. Why Do We Ghost? For me, ghosting has become almost second nature. I’ve ghosted friends, family, and even my partner. And each time, I justified it with excuses like, “I’m too busy,” “I’ll reply later,” or “I’m just not in the mood.” But if I’m honest, it was more about avoiding discomfort than anything else. After asking others and reflecting on my behaviour, I realised that many of us ghost because it’s easier than facing our feelings. Maybe we’re overwhelmed, anxious, or just don’t know how to handle a situation. It’s a quick escape from awkwardness, but it’s far from harmless. It’s easy to think ghosting has no real consequences—out of sight, out of mind, right? But when I started listening to those on the receiving end, I realised how hurtful it can be. One person shared, “It’s depressing, because you don’t know what’s going on or why. You’re left wondering if you did something wrong.” Another said, “I find it awkward. It takes me a few days to adjust, especially if it’s someone I thought I was close to.” Then there’s the middle ground. As someone put it, “It really depends—if it’s someone I’m not close to, I don’t take it seriously. But when it’s someone I care about, it feels different.” I realised that my ghosting wasn’t just about needing space—it left people confused, hurt, and questioning themselves. And that’s not the kind of impact I want to have. How I’m Working on My Ghosting Habit Ghosting has often been a way for me to avoid vulnerability. It’s easier to disappear than to say, “I’m struggling right now,” or “I’m not sure how I feel.” Here’s what I’m trying: It’s not just about avoiding awkward conversations; it’s about being willing to show up for the people who matter. It’s about being brave enough to say, “I’m struggling,” or “I need a minute,” instead of just disappearing. Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Diagnosing Autism: How and When It’s Done Cardiff Hypnotherapy Solutions Cardiff 5 Questions I Asked Myself When I Was Unsure About My Relationship Some Better Answers to Try Instead of “I’m Fine” Why Do We Say “I’m Fine” When We’re Actually Not?

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Is My Battle with the Small Stuff Really a Battle with Myself?

Real Talk /

One day, when I was deep in the pit of my depression, I found myself glued to the window, watching a parade of birds flock to my dog’s food. It seemed like they were on a mission to devour every pellet. My frustration grew with each visit. I was already on edge. And their persistence felt like the final straw. At first, I pounded on the window, hoping to scare them away. They’d scatter for a bit but always came back. I tried using a broom, swinging it around like a maniac. They flew off again, only to return shortly after. By the third attempt, I realised how absurd I must have looked—jumping up and down and waving my arms like a lunatic trying to shoo away birds. Feeling defeated by something so trivial made me pause. It struck me how my reaction mirrored my broader mindset. The birds seemed to give me this “this is our spot” look, as if to say, “We’re here to stay, so deal with it.” This scenario became a metaphor for how I was viewing my life. I was so focused on the annoyance of the birds, it made me miss out on the simple, sometimes amusing aspects of the situation. It was like I was stuck with a glass half empty perspective, concentrating on what was wrong rather than what was just part of the routine. Eventually, I realised that the birds weren’t the problem. It was my approach to handling life’s little irritations. They kept coming back, much like my struggles seemed to, no matter how much I tried to avoid them. The real lesson wasn’t about defeating the birds or my problems. It was about changing my perspective. Watching those birds helped me see that sometimes it’s not about solving every annoyance but learning to accept and even appreciate them. The glass half full mindset means finding a bit of peace and maybe even a touch of humour in the everyday challenges. It’s about finding a balance between acknowledging the issues and appreciating the small, often overlooked moments of life. Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Complications and Recovery from Conjunctivitis Symptoms of Catarrh Dr Nigel Bird GP Brighton Perspectives Psychology Group – Psychologists – Claremont Early Bird Therapy Centre Johannesburg

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Race or Tribe? The Roots of Identity in South Africa and Africa

Community /

A fascinating question came up within our community: Why is so much of our identity in South Africa centred around skin colour? In other parts of Africa, tribal identity seems to be more important. Some argue that systemic forces have pushed this focus on skin colour. But what’s really at the heart of this identity struggle? And why does it matter so much? Understanding Identity in South Africa In South Africa, race has always been a big part of how people identify themselves and others. This is largely because of the country’s history with apartheid. During that time, society was structured in such a way that race wasn’t just a label. In fact, it determined where you could live, what jobs you could do, and who you could marry. While apartheid officially ended in the 1990s, the remnants of those racial categories still affect how people see each other. For many, skin colour is still a primary lens through which identity is defined. This can make it tough to step away from these deep-rooted divides, even in a more open, modern South Africa. Some say the lasting effects of apartheid make it hard for people to shake this way of thinking, but it’s also become a kind of default setting when it comes to identity. Tribal Identity in Other African Countries Meanwhile, in other parts of Africa, the conversation is often centred around tribal identity rather than race. In countries like Kenya, Nigeria, and Ghana, for example, people might identify first and foremost by their tribe—be it Kikuyu, Yoruba, or Akan—rather than by the colour of their skin. In these areas, tribal heritage holds more weight in defining someone’s background and sense of belonging. Tribal identity comes with its own set of challenges. The attachment to one’s tribe can bring people together through shared language, culture, and traditions, but it can also create divisions and conflicts, especially when politics, land, or resources are involved. Just like in South Africa, identity in these regions is deeply complex, but the focus tends to lean more towards heritage and ancestry than outward appearance. What’s Driving These Differences? So, what’s at the core of these differing identity markers? It likely comes down to a mix of history, politics, and the social systems put in place over time. Why Does This Matter? At the heart of this question is a deeper issue: how do we define ourselves? Identity, whether shaped by skin colour or tribe, is central to how we understand ourselves and interact with others. But the danger comes when these markers of identity become barriers, either by dividing us or by boxing us into categories that feel limiting. It’s worth reflecting on how these systems and histories affect our lives today. Are we holding onto labels that don’t serve us? How do these divisions impact how we view one another? This isn’t an easy topic, but it’s an important one. By understanding the roots of our identity markers—whether they’re based on race, tribe, or something else entirely—we can begin to have more meaningful conversations about who we are and how we can move beyond these divisions. What do you think? Do you find that identity in South Africa is still too closely tied to skin colour, or is this changing? How do tribal identities shape those in other African nations? Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Aspire Fitness Physical therapist Cardiff Heritage physiotherapy ELY Spec-Savers Heritage Mall Audiology Port Alfred Riverside Physiotherapy Kuils River Rebecca Greaves Sports Massage Therapist Manchester

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I Lost Myself Trying to Make Others Happy

Real Talk /

For a long time, my life wasn’t really my own. It revolved around others—what they might think, how they might feel, and what would make them happy. I convinced myself that if I could just become who they wanted me to be, I’d finally earn their love and approval. But inside, I felt trapped. The person I was deep down didn’t match the image I was desperately trying to project. Being vulnerable or just being myself felt like it wasn’t enough. When I look back, I see how my childhood played a big role in this. I grew up in an environment where speaking up wasn’t encouraged. Showing emotions like sadness, confusion, or anger just wasn’t the norm. So, I ended up hiding behind a smile, laughing things off, and pretending to be “strong” or unbothered. As I grew older, the gap between who I was and who I was trying to be became more obvious. My constant focus on making others happy and seeking their approval meant I was losing touch with my true self. I felt like I was drifting further from who I was meant to be. There came a moment when I asked myself, “What am I doing?” I realised I had a choice: put myself first or continue spiralling further away from my true self. I started reflecting on the people and situations around me and wondered if I should have stood up for the real me more often. It took me years to see the cycle I was stuck in. I wanted to embrace the real me—the goofy, sarcastic, imperfect, but perfectly acceptable version of myself. The one I could genuinely be happy with. Lesson learned: I owe it to myself to take better care of myself first before trying to take care of others. It’s not just about feeling okay; it’s about being true to who I am and nurturing my well-being in a way that feels right for me. I’m learning to put my needs first, be honest about my feelings, and accept my imperfections. In doing so, I’ve finally found a sense of peace and acceptance that had been missing for so long. Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. A Happy Place Child Teenager and Family counselor Die Wilgers Lauren Brown Podiatrist Midrand A Happy Place Counsellor Pretoria The Happy Play Den Durbanville Are We Losing Something with Online Therapy?

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Making Family Rules Work for Everyone

Real Talk /

As parents, we set rules and structure to keep our homes running smoothly. But it’s not just about the rules themselves—it’s how we communicate them that truly makes a difference. Take a simple example from my life. I could ask my husband, “Can you make me some tea?” and he’d do it, but it often feels a bit like an order. Instead, I try saying, “When you make your next cup of coffee, would you mind making me a cup of tea, please?” The tone shifts, and it feels like a more thoughtful request. Sure, I could make my own tea, but I love the way he makes it, and he enjoys doing it for me. It’s not just about the tea; it’s about the connection we build through these little acts. This got me thinking—what if we brought this approach into parenting? Changing How We Share Our Stories When we share stories about our past with our kids, phrases like, “When I was your age,” or “In my day,” can sometimes shut down the conversation. It can come across as saying, “This is how it was, so this is how it should be.” Instead, I’ve learned to include my kids in the conversation. After sharing a story from my childhood, I ask, “How do you think we could make that our own? Is it something we want to keep in our family?” This turns the story into a shared experience, something we can build together. Balancing Structure and Flexibility Kids need structure to feel secure and to know what to expect. But structure doesn’t have to be rigid. It should reflect our family values while allowing room for discussion and flexibility. Instead of just imposing rules, I now involve my kids in the conversation. We talk about our family values, why they matter, and what boundaries we need. This helps them feel involved and respected. They understand that our rules aren’t random—they’re based on our shared goals. When kids push back, it’s often because they feel unheard, not because they dislike the rules. By asking for their input on family traditions and how we might adapt them, I find that we’re not just reminiscing about the past—we’re building something new together. Evolving Family Traditions Family traditions and values should grow with us. It’s not about sticking to the old ways exactly but about blending the meaningful parts of the past with what works for us today. This approach helps us create a family culture where we feel both connected to our history and relevant to our current lives. Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Coping Tools That Help with Panic Attacks Durban Marriage & Couples Counselling Counselor Musgrave Kids at Heart Inc. Paediatric Cardiologist Bloemfontein Working Conversations Group – Psychological Therapies Liverpool Diagnosis and Tests for Bladder Pain Syndrome

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Takealot’s Heritage Day Design Challenge is Back!

Community, What's News? /

Takealot is bringing back its Heritage Day Design Challenge, and it’s time for you to get creative! This year, they’re inviting you to redesign the Takealot box using the colours of the South African flag. It’s not just about creating a standout design—it’s about celebrating and sharing our rich, diverse culture with everyone. 1. Why Get Involved? This is your chance to put a unique spin on something everyone sees. The winning design will be featured on 1 million Takealot boxes, so your artwork could appear in homes all across South Africa. Plus, the winner will receive a R100,000 Takealot voucher to spend however they like. And there’s more—R10,000 of that will go to a charity or heritage site of your choice. It’s a win-win! 2. How to Enter Just sms “HI” via WhatsApp to 065 149 9234, and you’ll get all the details you need. You can enter in any language, so everyone has a chance. Just make sure to submit your designs before September 24. Meet the Judges This year’s panel includes some incredible people: So, if you’ve got a flair for design and a passion for celebrating our heritage, this is your moment to shine. Join the challenge and make a mark on Takealot’s next big shipment! Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Spec-Savers Heritage Mall Port Alfred Spec-Savers Heritage Mall Audiology Port Alfred Orange Flags in a Relationship? Heritage physiotherapy ELY Thinking Outside Of The Box By Becky Stone Canterbury

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Why Are We So Defensive About What Men Want From Women?

Community, Relationships /

In our support group, someone asked, “Besides sex, what do men really want from women?” The reactions stirred things up—some guys looked caught off guard, while others seemed ready to make a quick exit. It was interesting to see the range of responses. A few guys tried to deflect by asking, “Well, what do women want?”—a classic move to avoid the real issue. Others just went silent, clearly uncomfortable. It felt like this question really hit a nerve with some guys. So, why does a question like this cause such discomfort? Why do we react defensively, almost as if it’s an insult rather than an opportunity for a real conversation? The question wasn’t about making anyone uncomfortable—it was about getting us to think and talk. This kind of discomfort shows us something important about how we communicate and understand each other. Questions like these push us to look beyond the surface and think about what really matters in our relationships. It’s about feeling valued, understood, and supported. It’s easy to get defensive when faced with tough questions, but maybe that’s exactly why we should engage with them. These conversations aren’t about finding fault—they’re about figuring out what we need and want from each other. So next time you’re faced with a tough question, whether it’s about relationships or something else, try to approach it with curiosity instead of defensiveness. These conversations might be uncomfortable, but they’re a chance to grow and connect with one another. After all, isn’t that what we’re all really after? Mental Matters is a resource and information platform. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the information on our website is for general awareness and support, it should not replace professional advice. For any mental health concerns, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Caroline Webb Sex Intimacy and Relationship Coach & Therapist Personal Transformation & Development Therapy Randburg Questions Every Woman Should Ask Her Gynaecologist Caroline Webb Sex Therapist & Intimacy Coach Randburg Strong Relationships Start with Questions The Questions I Ask Myself to Stay Connected

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